Tuesday, July 08, 2008


Alas, after twenty minutes, Crucifixion seemed an appealing alternative. Fewer thrills than Time Team, less instruction than Relic Hunter, Ashley Pharoah and Matthew Graham’s new series Bonekickers - Indiana Jones meets CSI - is an outright turkey.

At a pace that can only be described a geologic, Gillian Magwilde’s team of clueless, sexist, and, oh yes, maverick archeological investigators guff their way through a dig in Bath, doing nothing for forty minutes other than uttering eye-rollingly bad lines such as:

"Do you know what history is, mate? It's layers."

and coaxing trenches to:

"Come on, give up your secrets."


Well, I say spoilers, it would be hard to ruin this, to be honest.

Eventually, after a spot of Three Detectives level deduction and a round of breaking and entering, they dash off, looking in completely the wrong place for answers. A kindly yokel asks them if they want to check out his dovecote instead of the closed-for-renovation-chapel. For no particular reason, they decide to do just that, and, finding six hundred and sixty-six pigeon-holes within, investigate further. Lo and behold, yay, BEHOLD: hidden beneath the rural countryside, a gigantic chamber, stuffed with crucifixes, one of which presumably held the suffering body of Our Lord.

The acronym W.T.F. was invented for this sort of lunacy.

To sum up: Bonekickers began its hour as a fairly undistinguished forensic drama of the Waking the Dead school, before taking a sharp left into toontown as it began to offer up ancient mysteries, a beheading, miracle cures, insane flaming cultists, magic swords, a spot of foreshadowing, burning crucifixes and a good old singalong.

I couldn't decide how to respond, so settled on howling with laughter at the outright preposterousness of this piece of train-wreck television.


  1. Well it does not augur well for the rest of the show. The acting was mainly leaden and the plot was more pythonesque than anything to do a possible " shock" find ala da vince code.

    The acting was awful, desserves a second mention and the ending rushed with no continuity except for a randy old Proff (yawn) who seemed to think the answer was a drink down the pub.

    My wife and I were in hysterics most of the time watching this clueless show. Men running about with crosses on their t-shirts and huge swords stuffed down their trousers..lol

    And what happened when they found the possible "cross" they burned it along with a couple of nutters then totally forgot about it in the next scene...tut tut no trauma then watching a man burn!

    I might have to watch it for the sheer joy of falling out my chair with laughter as every scene delivers the worst cliches and implausible plots.

    Brill definately should be in the comedy section.

  2. It was pathetic.

    I really don't know what this is supposed to be: trash TV? Naa, way too serious. This is no amusing basic cable "Hercules"-like trash, it's even worse - the show fails while being ambitious.

    But is this high concept drama? Absolutely not. The characters could have come right from the "How to create a basic character" sample pages you find in all those TV writing books; the premise - while well-intentioned - isn't really glue on the couch.

    So what is it?

    It's outdated television. It's TV from the old, from the bad days. And not in a good way; basically shows like these were the reasons why being a TV writer was despised in the world of entertainment. It's gutless, never raising-the bar, usually ending the episode with everybody laughing and freezing that frame TV.

    And THAT'S what they bring us in times of 24? Battlestar Galactica? Mad Men? House? Jekyll?