Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Headphones

I bought some new headphones. The kind you stick right in your ear, like you used to do with Smarties before your mum gave you a good hiding after the third time, fed up of holding your head over a naked flame again until the chocolate ran out.

Anyway, they’re supposed to give unrivaled hi-fidelity stereo sound reproduction straight to the ear-drum, or something. Do they? Do they fuck. I push ‘em in, good and tight, and all I can hear is the crashing sound of oceans of blood pounding away in my head. Everything sounds like it’s being piped up through a barrel of mustard. It’s that bad you’d think The Be Good Tanyas were a bunch of transgendered cab drivers.

I want my money back, only the damn things are now too waxy to return.

12 comments:

  1. I can't stand those ones. You might not be pushing them far enough in, you have to really jam them frighteningly deep, to get the full bass and noise reducing effect. I hate them, and am convinced that the rubber bits will snap off when I try to take them out, and leave me in a muffled, strange world.

    I also have a waxy, used-once pair sitting in a drawer at home. We should have a party or something.

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  2. Hey Lee

    Ever think of writing comedy??

    Because you bring a smile to my face and crack me up!!

    I'm laughing WITH you...I swear...WITH you!!!

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  3. Oh yeah, Lee is a comedian. This is why he doesn't have a girlfriend. Tears of a clown, baby!

    As for headphones, I am a total headphones virgin. I have never put the fuckers in my ears. And never will. I have never even so much as TOUCHED an iPod or MP3 player either, let alone owned one.

    Does that shock you?

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  4. I thought it was the huge, suppurating sores. What a relief to learn it's because I'm too funny.

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  5. PS. Am I the sweariest girl in the Scribosphere? I blame you and James Moran!!!

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  6. Lucy: Doesn't shock me, merely saddens me. You technophobes are missing out on so much lovely, lovely technology. And don't fucking blame your fucking language on us fuckers!

    Lee: Are we having a waxy earphone party or fucking what? I need to book it in the diary.

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  7. Saddens you! But I am free of the consumer-obsessed free-market culture that is bringing this great country to its knees. Worship me!

    Also I have no worries about the aliens who control all IPod and MP3 people via their secret digital airwaves project. You know what I'm talking about.

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  8. James, fuck yeah, let's party. Show those headphones a night they'll never forget. Just don't cry off citing too much work, you big baby.

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  9. You'll be sorry when the aliens have you believe you're Ken Dodd in drag, boys!

    Oh yeah - fuck you too! It's my fucking language and I'll...cry if I want to. Eh?

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  10. Hey, not to get too far away from the fuck fuck fuckery, but I've got a pair of those SHURE headphones, same kind of design, and believe it or not the object isn't to jam them so far in. If they're designed the same way, there's a way that you put them in right that doesn't jam them very far in (thereby making the blood pounding sound) but creates a seal with the ear (not the being pounded on the ice floe kind, but the no sound gets through kind.)

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  11. OKAY, I'M WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW - ONCE YOU'VE GOT THE KNACK OF DEPRESSURISING YOUR EARS THEY'RE NOT SO BAD.

    LA LA LA LA LALALALA LA LA LALALALALA

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  12. I just bought some Sennheiser 201s from Amazon for just over a tenner to replace my old headphones.

    Bloody marvellous they are.

    And no waxy buildup, because they're not the sort you stick in your ears.

    Sorted.

    Oh, almost forgot: Fuck.

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