Friday, June 16, 2006

Hwæt! Ic swefna cyst secgan wylle

Behold! I will tell you of a wondrous dream.

Anything’s possible. A screenplay in a fortnight. 90 pages, 14 days. They said it couldn’t be done. Well, it’s doable, alright. It ain’t pretty, it fact it’s rough rough rough, and ropier than an old sea-dog’s sceptic prick, but for your amusement and delight I now present:

Breach Birth:

When Chris’ girlfriend announces she’s pregnant, he panics and abandons her, but a clean break proves hard to make when his escape is prevented by psychotic demons invading sleepy Portcrick. Now the only way he can stop the apocalypse is by learning that looking after number one is no way to live a life.

Yes indeed. If only to prove I wasn’t stringing you along the whole time, here is the fucker. Mispellings, misplaced sub-plots and misnamed characters intact. Don’t read it, for god’s sake. I certainly won’t be for a couple of days. Confirm the page count, give me my rosette, and let me start rewriting.

Still, even with its plentiful faults, I couldn’t be more proud. SIx years of unproductive self-doubt washed away in two weeks. I am a motherfucking screenwriter.

Category: Writing


  1. You'll have to tell me how you're posting your PDF's up on your site...

    I am going to read it.

  2. Well, don't say I didn't warn you. I can't actually remember anything about the first thirty pages, it was all so long ago. I wouldn't be surprised if I got halfway through and everyone's names changed, the location moved, and it was all set in the future.

    PDF's are easy, I'm just linking to a copy I uploaded to the web-space my ISP gives me. FTP login and a copy of Cyberduck does the rest. If your ISP is too stingy, you could store files with Tripod and have people access them from there.

    And yes, it does feel good, and slightly spacey. It's a bit like being stoned, but that might be sleep-deprivation.

    Enjoy. All I can say is I hope it's not the worst thing you've ever read.

  3. Or you can store them in a new fancy, free Google Page: -You can create pages, upload files, and it's really easy to use. You need a Gmail account to be able to sign up and log in, but everyone's got one of those these days.

    I'm going to read it, too, so there. In fact, I've already started.

  4. You are a screenwriter, and I salute you.

    Your drinks for an evening will be on me, as promised.

    Provided you don't, like, spurn anything that's not champagne.


  5. My hat is off to you, sir. I have been lurking about the scribosphere these many weeks, shamefacedly not finishing my new blog, but rest assured that I have been following your progress.

    I'll admit, I was skeptical. But you have proven me wrong, so I must step from the shadows and salute you.

    Well done.

  6. They're demons and psychotic? Ahhhhhhh!

    Congrats on finishing! So... have you started the next one yet?

  7. Well done! I'm very pleased for you - I'll be reading it when I get a chance. Today though I need to do more work on my outline.

  8. Aw, shucks, thanks guys.

    James, I don't have a gmail account, no-one's ever thought enough of me to send me an invite. There's a big party going on at Google and the people are leaning out of the windows and laughing at me.

    Piers, just like any other screenwriter, I have a fridge stocked with nothing but champagne, so a change will be very jolly. I will consult my diary.

    Mel, where have you been? Hope all is well.

    Chopped Nuts - oh yes, psychotic all the way. I suppose with it being based at the seaside, they could have been aquatic. Or amusingly neurotic. They'd rust if they were robotic, and unpatriotic doesn't make sense. Oh, and thanks for the link.

    Femme and O_R, thank you both. You've been inspirational. Good luck to the pair of you.

  9. It's only because you haven't finished a screenplay that we've all been keeping you out of Gmail. Now you've done it, I'll send you an invite, and a special screenwriter apron (limited time offer, not available in the shops etc)

  10. Ohhh, the apron will go nicely with my big pair of screenwriter marigolds.

  11. Then of course there's the cock ring you get for pulp screenwriting... you'll have to work especially hard for that one.

    (God, I even sicken myself...)

  12. Move along, kids...mad uncle Bill's having another one of his turns.

  13. (guuuuuuurrrgle)

    "It's the Syph I tells ya! It's gotten to my brain! Damn that dog..."

    This is how dark my think-engine gets when it works on a Herschell Gordon Lewis picture...

    It's not a pretty sight.

  14. "Then of course there's the cock ring you get for pulp screenwriting..."

    Your cock rings? Mine has never uttered so much as a peep.

    ...I knew I was doing something wrong!

  15. Congrats dude. Now you have three and a half months to rewrite this one an dplan you next one ready for Octobers 14 day Screenplay!

    It's a great feeling though isn't it. Have you printed it out yet? Bound it and basked in its scripty glory, flicked through the pages smelling th ink and paper, absorbing the feeling of your script? I'll be prining yours out for me to read when I get a chance.

    Well done, and here's to many more.