Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Raison d'blog

No question, I have chosen the finest fortnight to take off work - it's been utterly glorious. How have I chosen to spend this time? Not in the usual way, that's for god damn sure. Ordinarily, my life is so empty that any time off work involves me sitting down and seeing how many TV season DVD boxsets I can get through - episodes, features and commentaries. The record for one week stands at two Wires, an Alias and a Farscape. Plainly, that sucks. It is the type of behaviour not to be owned up to, or at least once revealed, never repeated. And it's one of my reasons for starting this blog - so that I would never be able to waste time like that again.

I have written a personal journal for many, many years, and what I have found lately is that the frequency of entries has dwindled to become worse than erratic, and those either trivial in the extreme or reiterations of the same never realised sentiments and desires; a clear display of the absolute lack of personal and social progress I've made in the last half decade. In the two thousand or so pages I must have scribbled in the last fourteen years , I don't think I can really look back on any of them with any pride. My diary has always been a place for me to vent, and sulk, and whinge. Unscientifically, I would expect to find that 90% of private journals are overwrought, full of demeaning observations about family, friends and colleagues that, if only they weren't written down, there in front of your face, you would never believe you had made them. There is nothing so dishonest as a journal meant only for the one writing it.

Maybe, in that case, it's better to be public about your feelings and goals. Because maybe, if you knew other people were going to see them, you'd probably give them a little bit more consideration and effort. Maybe you'd put a bit more effort into your life, become more of an exhibitionist; at least less shut-in. I am sick of making repeated statements of intent that never come to anything and not being called on them. Doing it all in public makes it more real somehow. Where smack-downs are called for, I hereby invite them.

I also need to force myself to write things down more often. Nothing looks lamer than a blog with only one entry every couple of weeks. I need to counter-act a habit I've developed of taking index cards and writing down things to write about, then not taking the time to actually make the entry and letting the list grow for about two weeks; the result of this procrastination being a long messy catalogue of abbreviated subjects and cryptic statements that I can't even understand anymore, let alone write sensibly about. I don't want future data archaeologists to discover my only internet presence was a half-assed blog that I couldn't be bothered to update. Yes, I am that vain. Conceited. Self-conscious. Whatever.

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